


Red

by Undercover_Royalty



Series: Of Loss and Gain [2]
Category: game of thrones
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Flashbacks, Wow, hints of mental instability, hints of physical abuse, i've never written something so dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 04:29:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4773599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Undercover_Royalty/pseuds/Undercover_Royalty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you love me, let me go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! To those of you who read my first work here and even left kudos, thank you so much! Game of Thrones is darker than I'm used to writing, so constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks for reading!   
> (Disclaimer: All characters used here, save for Kina Storm, belong to George R.R. Martin and HBO)

White. 

Flashes of white, and red and piercing wails. 

But most of all there was glowing, whirling silver, a myriad of colors dancing through her senses, and a bone-deep ache with no source.

"Kina." 

Disappointment swelled in her chest, and she didn't know why. The voice was kind and soft- gold danced across her eyelids as a physical representation. But the one she was looking for invoked feelings of cold air on chapped lips and swirling silver against her eyes. 

A jaw sore from no movement seemed to creak in the silent room as a dry throat coughed, desperately gasping for breath. Soft hands were gripping her face- but it was wrong, so wrong- telling her to breathe, it was okay now. Somehow, it didn't feel okay. Desperate to know why, stinging eyes struggled to open. 

Kina expected searing light and a pulsing ache in her head- but found only dimness and the throb in her chest. Above her was a face she should know- round and friendly, with dark eyes and straight brown hair. But there was something gaunt in it now, something that hadn't been there before. Like a piece of him had simply been taken away. Why did she feel as if the same had happened to her? 

"Kina." he said again, in his gentle, lilting tone. 

Her eyes widened, taking in her surroundings. Everything came into sharper focus, the flickering candle on the side table, the way the man-she-should-know's eyes flickered and sparked with something she couldn't feel. Something had happened, something bad. She feared it. 

That was when the burning started. At first, it was a warm heat, starting in her fingertips and spreading outwards to her palm. But then the warmth began to burn, and the burn began to sear. Little choked noises were emitting from her throat, and the man looked worried, murmuring comforts she could no longer hear. The pain kept rising, higher and higher- Kina wasn't going to survive, she was certain of it. In her haze of pain, the man left the room. 

The beast entered. Its white fur hurt her sensitized eyes, but that was nothing compared to the stare it inflicted. It seemed to question her, question why she hadn't figured everything out. But all she could do was stare, transfixed by the eyes of the direwolf, eyes as red as blood. 

Suddenly, the world was in razor sharp focus, this woman, Kina Storm jerked herself up because she saw, she knew-! She did not cry out, but another choked breath wheezed from her throat, carrying a name and all the knowledge she'd longed to forget. 

"Snow." 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Kina Storm did not speak for a fortnight. She sat in her cramped quarters, dark, murky eyes staring at nothing. The wolf, Ghost, did not not leave her side. Neither woman nor wolf were comforted by it. On Kina's left side, frostbitten fingers twitched but she could not feel them and never would again. 

The looks Sam and Gilly-friends, once- shared between each other were pointed enough to realize they were worried. She didn't care. Caring had once again proven a double-edged sword and she would no longer tolerate its disadvantages. 

Despite this philosophy, despite her indifference to anyone and everyone who tried to help her, she couldn't forget Jon Snow. She couldn't erase him, despite the fact that he is- was stupid and reckless in all the worst ways. 

In the first nights, Kina woke in tears, his ragged gasps echoing in her ears, her own screams reincarnated until Sam rushed in with a candle and her waking nightmare began. They both thought she was doing nothing in the long days, she knew they did. But Kina was doing something: planning. 

If the fates would not let her die, she would force their hand. 

One morning, Samwell Tarly woke to discover an abandoned room. The only indicators of life were the boot prints he found outside. Horrified, the maester-in-training burst out of the weak door and started a frantic run towards town. 

"Kina!" Sam shouted, already puffing with exertion, "Kina! Ghost! Where've you gone?" 

Behind the trees, a figure with black, twitching fingers watched him pass, a white blur standing vigil at her side. It was as close to mourning as they would ever get. She couldn't prevent herself from speaking. 

"Goodbye, Samwell Tarly." 

Sam turned as a faint sound reached his ears. From behind the tree, Kina stiffened. Part of her hoped he hadn't heard.. and the other wanted it more than anything. There was a single beat of pause, before Sam turned his back and continued on shouting. Cursing her despondence, Kina turned her back and left, Ghost at her side. Neither party looked back.   
-/-/-/-/-  
That night, Kina sheltered herself in an old hollow. It was best to wait for pitch dark to attack the brothers. In the meantime, she prepared, sharpening her stolen blade with a new difficulty. With every clumsy strike, a face bled into her memory. Now, each of their names was as clear as her own.

Strike. 

Alister Thorne. 

Strike. 

Bowen Marsh. 

S--trike. 

Othell Yarwyck.

Strike-e.

Olly. 

The blade shimmered in the moonlight as she examined it for fractures, but the names wouldn't leave her mind. Enraged, Kina released her sword, grabbed fistfuls of her short, dark hair and squeezed. She would make them suffer. The very thought brought a perverse, wicked joy, momentarily lightening her heart of the burden it would carry for the rest of her life. 

Let them feel her agony, her suffering, and not only for Jon. The late Lord Commander would never know what the men of the Wall had subjected her to. As Ghost flopped in front of the hollow, muzzle stained maroon with blood, Kina lay her back against the inside of the tree and closed her eyes, soon falling asleep.   
But just for a moment, she had been back in the mess hall, a bony forearm crashing against her windpipe and some twenty men standing behind, waiting their turn. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

She awakened in the middle of the night. Gods, now! She had to act now! Quickly, the woman stumbled from her hiding spot and over Ghost with a curse. Surely he'd follow, once he knew she'd gone. Kina walked into the darkness for what felt like ages, casting wary glances to ensure no one had seen her. Finally, the secure wooden gate was in her sight, and she crept towards it with a growing sense of paranoia. It was only the darkness. There was nothing to fear. There was nothing to fear. There was nothing to-

"Well, who do we have here?" a rough voice drawled. 

As she turned, a heavy gloved hand grabbed her wrists, pinning them behind her. 

"You already know who I am." he reminded her, shoving her forward, "Don't you, Storm?" 

"Get off me!" Kina burst, a vehement protest. 

Alister Thorne slackened his grip for a minute, before seizing her even tighter and slamming her into a nearby tree. Blood gushed from her nose, dripping down her face.

"I've already killed your precious Lord Snow." he muttered into her ear, "Nothing you do to me will bring him back." 

Kina jerked her head around and spat at him. The fist that crashed into her temple shortly thereafter was his expected response, but she was in no position to dodge it. Over the din of the forest, Kina heard the pull of metal against leather. Very deliberately, a sharpened blade pressed against the back of her neck. 

"If you come to avenge him," the grey-haired swordsman warned, "The black brothers will be ready." 

The pressure eases as Thorne withdrew his sword. He dropped his hands from her and departed, boots crunching through the snow. 

Kina slumped against the tree and breathed, wrapping her arms protectively around herself. A small fire burned from his insult, but her head was pounding and she knew that she couldn't catch him in such a state. Her anger was quickly extinguished, leaving trails of desolate smoke in its wake. She wouldn't avenge Jon, not tonight or ever again. They knew she was here, now. 

"Storm." 

Her eyes squeezed shut. Of course she would think of this, now. What else was there to do? She'd give herself a minute more, and then she'd return to Ghost. Ghost... and her sharpened blade. If it couldn't kill the brothers, at least it would have some use. 

"Open your eyes." 

The rough voice was so soothing amidst her own destruction. He never would have believed Kina had come to this, never. She was momentarily glad he'd never known about it. Loosing his grudged admiration would have been a harsh blow. 

There came a crunch of snow, just ahead. Ghost? Kina gave one final sigh, blinked the tiny flakes off her eyelashes, leaned up, and brushed herself off. Strangely, there was a hand in her line of sight, being offered. Confused, the woman glanced up to its owner- and found herself rigid. 

"C'mon, Storm." 

For a few seconds, she couldn't breathe. Her brain frantically tried to process what it was seeing, but all that came up were vague optical imprints. 

White, red, silver. 

"Snow?" 

"Has your head been knocked?" the Lord Commander teased, yanking her to her feet, "Course it's me." 

"But- Snow, you-" Kina stammered, the icy air quickly parching her throat. She coughed and looked back at him, unsure of what to say. Jon's eyebrows had furrowed, and he turned to her as they started back. 

"Kina, you look s'if you've seen a ghost!" 

Her heart was still racing. 

"I have."

If Jon heard her, he made no indication of it. Instead, he took his cloak and wrapped the right edge around Kina's narrow shoulders, pulling her against him. He was far too warm to be anything but alive, and yet...  
They walked back in silence, neither protesting this development, but both unsure of how best to explain their compliance. As a test of sorts, Kina bumped into Jon slightly. He didn't disappear as she thought he might have and gave her a bit of an odd look. She ignored it, something small and warm starting to build in her chest. Shortly, they entered through the gate of Castle Black. 

"Go inside, Olly's started a fire." Jon instructed, "I've got to get something from the study." 

Kina felt the shudder seize her muscles. The study was where- Oh no. Jon must not go there, not ever again. But by the time she'd thought of it, he had already started walking. 

"Snow, don't!" she shouted, rushing after him. 

He turned, confusion already evident. Nothing needed to be said. Despite his compliance, she seized his wrist and held firm. 

"It's dangerous, you idiot, don't go back there!" the runaway hissed, furtively. 

Jon took hold of her shoulder with his free hand, keeping her still. Only then did Storm realize she'd been shaking. The Lord Commander looked concerned. It was a strange expression on him- Kina didn't like it.

"What's gotten into you, Storm? I've got to go, I've left something." 

No, he was going to leave. He was going to go, they would be there, and oh god, there would be so much blood... Screams echoed in her ears, louder and louder, until she screamed with them. 

"You don't understand!" 

When Kina opened her eyes, Jon was unmoving, gone silent from her outburst. She had never shown so much emotion in front of him, ever. As her long fingers tightened around his wrist, a cry of frustration clawed up her throat. The concern in his slate-colored eyes now bordered on despicable. 

"Kina..." he finally began, her first name foreign on his lips, "What's wrong?" 

"/Everything/." she snapped through gritted teeth, "Don't go, because if you do, I swear by all the gods, I'll..." 

"Hey," Jon took over, voice softer now, "S'okay, just.. calm down. I'm not going anywhere."

She held tight, fully against him now. Her exterior had all but collapsed. The last time she'd held to someone like this had been as a little girl, safely encompassed in her mother's arms. But somehow, now feels infinitely more grounding. At last, the dark-haired woman felt she could think reasonably.

"What's possessed you, Storm? Why are you so worried about me?" Jon asked again, placing one hand on her back. 

For once in her life, Kina's reply came easily. 

"Because I can't loose you, Snow." 

His other hand slowly drifted up to join the first, and Jon returned her embrace. To her chagrin, he'd started laughing, softly into her hair.

"What's so funny, you oaf?" she challenged, breaking away a bit. 

"What did you say?" he queried, a familiar, crooked grin overtaking his features. 

"I /said/ I can't loose you." Kina snapped, defensively, "Snow, I thought you were-" 

The sentence went unfinished. Jon's smile dimmed a bit in the pause. 

"Thought I was what?" he prompted. 

But the images warping through Kina's mind were so vividly real that she could do nothing more than look on, a bystander to her own destruction. Her eyes met Jon's and there was no sign of the wound above his eye, the one she knew should be there. The shriek of piercing metal echoed in her mind- too many times. Too many times for him to be anything but...

"No-" Kina gasped, feeling reality shift around her. 

They were no longer kneeling beyond the gate. Loud shouts echoed around them as warped shadows jostled and jested, preparing for something. Flickering torchlight bathed the pair in scorching heat. Jon had stopped smiling now, and stared pensively ahead, waiting. Kina focused her efforts on him and tried to shield him from what they both knew was coming. 

"You have to run." she breathed, "Jon Snow, for the last damn time, I'm /not/ going to loose you!" 

She felt the wisps of his snarled hair on her neck and the rough scratch of his stubble against her ear. There was a pulse, throbbing in his neck. Jon breathed in deeply, but his words were soft. 

"You already have." 

Something spilled across her hands, hot and tacky. It poured down her front, and Jon gave a choked gasp, falling forward into her. Kina's breaths were tearing, frantic, but she couldn't scream. Her arms slackened with fear, and Jon Snow left her grip, slamming into the ground with a dull smack, blood pooling around his corpse. His eyes were wide open, seeing nothing. 

Kina looked down to her dripping hands, turned a shining crimson in the firelight. The shadows lengthened and retracted, and whispered roughly. The darkness was falling, silent and swift. Kina let it engulf her without a second thought, anything to escape their binding words.

'You let him die, Kina Storm.' 

'This is your fault.'


End file.
